I’ve been dating an older guy off and on for about 2 and half years. He’s an actor and has said many times that he’s not interested in a committed relationship. I see him about twice a week and I love the attention and affection he gives me when we’re together. He likes to drink a lot and I think he uses cocaine sometime, but I love spending time with him, despite his faults.
Lately, I’ve been suspecting that he’s seeing someone else and last week, I snuck over to his apartment and saw through the window that he was with another woman. I want to confront him about the situation, but I know we’re not really “together” or in an exclusive relationship.
I don’t really know what to do. On one hand, I feel like to really want to say something to him, but on the other, I don’t want to upset him, or “rock the boat?”
What should I do here?
From the sound of it, it seems like you met a man that is T R O U B L E…one which every girl has encountered at some point in her life and dreams to conquer, in that Xena, The Warrior Princess sort of way. He’s probably exciting and gives you an adrenaline rush that makes you feel like you tamed the lion that no other girl could. But the truth is, no matter how much you feed, clean, and care for the lion, the lion is a wild animal, not meant for a domestic home. The lion will always have the urges to hunt in order to survive, because it’s in his genes. We always knew the lion has natural urges to hunt, just like you always knew that the actor (let’s call him “the actor”) has urges to see other women because he told you “many times.”
Truth is, Dana, as much as you try telling yourself that you’re ‘OK’ with your dating situation, it’s very clear that you’re not, or else you wouldn’t feel the need to confront the actor about what you saw. In his mind, he did nothing wrong therefore if you confront him about it, he’ll probably be confused and just respond with “Well, I told you. Why are you surprised?” The thing is, the male species is very different from us…they actually mean what they say most of the time…whereas, we have a million different meanings for everything we say…we could say “How do I look?” and what we’re really saying is “Tell me how good I look”…or to a potential love interest, we might say “What do you look for in a girl?” and really mean “Am I what you’ve been looking for?”
At this point, my recommendation would be for you to think about what you really want in a man. If it took you two and a half years to realize that you’re not okay with an open relationship, that’s ok! Life is all about learning from your experiences.
I think you need to sit down and have an honest conversation with yourself…take a piece of paper and write down all of the qualities you absolutely need in a man, qualities that are optional, and qualities you absolutely don’t want to see. Then compare your list to the actor…does he align with your needs? If not, then don’t waste your time with him anymore and realize that you are a woman with wants and needs and the sun has not set on the actor. There are great, adventurous men out there who WILL devote their heart to you if that’s what you want. The first step is to figure out exactly what YOU want.
Wishing you the best in love and life,